The Average, Everyday Reader's Guide to HP
by The Other Reindeer
Summary: This is a condensed version of the Harry Potter series. It's not always accurate, but that's ok.
1. Book One

**Book One, or Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone**

Harry: I'm an orphan who lives with my aunt Petunia, uncle Vernon, and cousin Dudley Dursley.

Dursleys: We hate Harry.

Dudley: I'm spoiled.

Harry: _(sarcastic)_ I couldn't have figured that out myself.

_Later_:

Harry: I got a letter.

Uncle Vernon: I'm taking it away.

Harry: Boo-hoo.

_Even later:_

Dursleys + Harry: _"We're going to the zoo, zoo, zoo. How about you, you, you? You can come too, too, too..."_ and so on and so forth.

Harry: I start talking to this snake, and I don't ever realize that it's weird that I'm actually communicating with a boa, in a zoo, through a glass wall. And we're talking about Brazil. And then the glass mysteriously disappears and the snake runs away. And no one in the whole entire zoo catches it. And I'm locked in a cupboard until the cows come home.

_Later:_

Harry: Thousands and thousands of letters for me come zooming out of the fireplace, and I try to catch one, but I never even consider bending down and picking one up off the floor. Needless to say, I don't get one.

Dursleys + Harry: We're leaving. We end up on this tiny island in the middle of a storm.

Harry: And it's my birthday, too!

_At midnight:_

Hagrid: Hi. I'm an enormous person with a pink umbrella that lights fires, a birthday cake for Harry, and a letter for him as well. Oh, by the way, Harry, you're a wizard, so were your parents, they were murdered, and I'm going to take you to this school for witchcraft and wizardry.

Aunt Petunia: MY SISTER WAS A FREAK!

Uncle Vernon: He's not going.

Hagrid: Is too.

Vernon: Is not.

Hagrid: Is too.

Vernon: I AM NOT PAYING FOR SOME CRACKPOT OLD FOOL TO TEACH HIM MAGIC TRICKS!

Hagrid: NEVER INSULT ALBUS DUMBLEDORE IN FRONT OF ME! _(turns Dudley into a pig)_

(a/n: Yes, I know, these last two lines were directly from the book. Don't kill me.)

Hagrid + Harry: Bye. _(Leave)_

_Various things occur; Harry buys robes, wand, books, supplies, etc., etc. Harry discovers that his train platform doesn't exist, meets these people called the Weasleys, walks through a brick wall, and appears where he wants to be._

_On train:_

Ron: Can I sit here?

Harry: I don't know. _Can_ you sit here?

Ron: Fine. _May_ I sit here?

Harry: Ok.

Woman: Hungry?

Ron: Umm...

Harry: I want that, and that, and that, and that...

Scabbers: I'm not turning yellow, and you can't make me!

Ron: Can so.

Scabbers: Can not.

Ron: Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow, turn this stupid, fat rat yellow!

Scabbers: I am so not a stupid fat rat! That's damaging to my self-esteem.

Hermione: I act like a know-it-all. Neville lost a toad. Bye!

Neville: I lost a toad.

Ron+ Harry: _(sarcastic)_ No, really?

_In Great Hall_:

Sorting Hat: How 'bout Slytherin?

Harry: Not Slytherin, not Slytherin, not Slytherin, not Slytherin, not Slytherin...

Sorting Hat: Ok, then, how 'bout Gryffindor?

Harry: Ok!

Snape: I'm evil.

McGonagall: I'm strict.

Quirrel: I'm scared.

Flitwick: I'm tiny.

Dumbledore: I'm wise.

Harry: I'm SPECIAL!

Harry, Ron + Hermione: We knock out a troll that was destroying the girls' bathroom, meet a three-headed dog named Fluffy, and so on.

Harry: Malfoy threw this ball-thing up in the air and I caught it so I get to play Quidditch.

Everyone: All hail the mighty Seeker.

Harry: I'm SPECIAL!

Hagrid: I raise a dragon in a wooden house. He burns my beard, bites my foot, and generally causes massive amounts of trouble, BESIDES being illegal...but he's just playing.

_Much, MUCH later:_

Hagrid: Play a song and Fluffy falls asleep. I shouldn't have said that.

_Harry plays song; Fluffy promptly falls asleep. And snores._

Harry + Ron: We're suffocating!

Hermione: It's Devil's Snare!

Harry + Ron: That's nice. We're still suffocating.

Hermione: Relax.

Harry + Ron: Ok. We're still suffocating.

_Hermione lights a fire_.

Harry + Ron: We are no longer suffocating.

Hermione: Thanks to me.

_Somewhat later:_

Ron: Let's play chess.

Hermione + Harry: Sounds fun!

Ron: I'm going to let myself be knocked out by an overgrown, semi-living chess queen. But it's for a good cause.

Hermione + Harry: Noo!

_Queen captures Ron; Harry + Hermione win and move on._

Hermione: Ok, since we're trapped by flames and you need to keep going, you should drink this. I'll take that and get Ron. Oh, and there's a chance that it's poison, but don't worry about things like that. Bye!

Harry: It's not poison! Cool!

Quirrel: Hi.

Harry: You're not supposed to be here. It's Snape, remember?

Quirrel: Fooled you!

Voldemort: Hi. I want that stone. Give it.

Harry: Never.

Voldemort: I WANT THE STONE!

Harry: Too bad.

_Later, in hospital wing_:

Dumbledore: I tell you lots and lots of important things, which I'm not going to put here because it takes too long. Anyway, I don't like Bertie Bott's Bean-things, but I'm going to have one anyway, which wasn't a smart decision, because it's earwax. That was a seriously run-on sentence, but that's ok.

**End of Book (give or take a couple chapters, in which nothing of interest happens.)**


	2. Book Two

**I'm sorry this took so long. It's kind of off-topic sometimes, but that's ok. My personal favorite part is the Wall's speech...but you have to read it yourself. First six reviewers get a free review from me. (Yes, I know it's usually five, not six, but I'm being different today, ok?)**

**Book Two, or Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets**

Harry: It's my birthday and Uncle Vernon is having guests for dinner to talk about drills and there are these eyes staring at me from under a bush.

Uncle Vernon: Go to your room. The Masons are here.

Harry: Ackkk! There's this elf-thing with huge eyes on my bed! What do I do?

Dobby: Hi.

Harry: Who're you?

Dobby: A house-elf. I belong to the Malfoys. Just thought I'd drop in. Oh, by the way, I have your friends' letters and I'm not giving them back until you tell me you won't go to Hogwarts.

Harry: _sniffs_ Give me the letters!

Dobby: Promise first!

Harry: ME WANT LETTERS!

_Meanwhile:_

Dursleys: Drills, drills, drills, drills, drills, drills, drills...

Masons: Drills, drills, drills, drills, drills...

Dursleys: Drills...

Masons: Drills...

Dursleys: Drills, drills?

Masons: Drills!

_Dobby smashes pudding, disappears; Harry is standing in kitchen covered in pudding_.

Dursleys: Drills, drills!

Masons: Drills...drills...drills?

Vernon: HARRY!

_Owl swoops in; drops letter on Ms. Mason's head_

Ms. Mason: I HATE OWLS! _(Leaves)_

Mr. Mason: NO DRILLS FOR YOU! _(Leaves)_

Dursleys: Drills? No drills...

_Later_:

Harry: I'm locked in my room. Lemme out!

Dursleys: No.

Harry: Please?

Dursleys: NO.

Harry: _sniffs_ Oh, well, I guess I'll just fall asleep.

_Later:_

Harry: There's someone rattling my window bars.

Ron, Fred, and George: Hi!

Harry: Cool! It's the Weasleys in a flying car! _sniffs_ I wish it was a limo...

Fred: I think we can manage that..._waves wand; nothing happens_...apparently not...

Ron: Just get in the car!

Harry: Ok, ok, I'm coming!

Vernon: NO YOU'RE NOT!

Harry: GIMME BACK MY LEG! Bye!

_Later; at the Weasley's house:_

Ms. Weasley: _Treats Fred, George, and Ron to an extremely long, loud lecture_ Oh, hi, Harry! How nice to see you!

Harry: _sniffs_ Where's my lecture? I feel rejected...

Ms. Weasley: HOW DARE YOU FEEL REJECTED! YOU ARE NOT REJECTED! YOU MUST NEVER FEEL REJECTED! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!

Harry: That's better! I feel HAPPY!

_Much later; Platform 9 __༠_

Ron + Harry: We can't get through! What'll we do?

Ron: Let's fly the car!

Harry: FUN!

_Later_:

Harry: No more FUN! _sniffs_

Ron: Um...I think we're going to crash...

_Car crashes into Whomping Willow_

Ron: Told ya!

_Later; Great Hall_:

Snape: You're going to be expelled...you're going to be expelled...you're going to be expelled...you're going to be expelled.

Ron _(whispering_): I think we're going to be expelled.

Dumbledore: You're not going to be expelled.

Snape: WHAT?

_Later:_

Snape: I'm evil.

McGonagall: I'm strict.

Lockhart: I'm self-absorbed, egotistical, conceited, vain, arrogant, etc.

Flitwick: I'm tiny.

Dumbledore: I'm wise.

Harry: I'm SPECIAL!

Random onlookers: Haven't we heard this already?

_Many, many classes/days/chapters later, in which nothing much happens:_

Harry, Ron+ Hermione (hereafter referred to as HRH): Happy 500th deathday to you! Happy 500th deathday to you! Happy 500th deathday dear Nearly Headless Nick! Happy 500th deathday to you!

Myrtle: I'm depressed.

Nick: I'm nearly headless.

Headless Hunt ghosts: We're annoying.

Peeves: I'm annoying-er.

Random onlookers: Annoying-er? He has a..._flexible_...vocabulary.

HRH: Bye!

Voice:_ rip...tear...kill...tear...rip...kill...kill...tear...rip...rip...kill...tear..._

Random onlookers: We think he wants revenge on a tailor for a torn/ripped suit...

Harry: Why do I get the feeling that's not it?

Wall: THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE. Yeah. And to, like, make a point, I, like, Petrified Ms. Norris. I mean, she was, like, _so_ last year, ya know! I mean, like, OMG, she had, like, _no_ fashion sense! At all!

Random onlookers: Um...why is the Wall talking like Barbie?

All: Good question...next question? _(a/n: Yes, that is from Protector of the Small. Neal and Alanna. Don't kill me.)_

Dumbledore: Ms. Norris has been Petrified.

Filch: She's DEAD! YOU KILLED HER! I WANT YOU EXPELLED! I HATE YOU! EVIL EVIL EVIL PEOPLE! SHE'S DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! _Continues in this vein for a long time_

Dumbledore: "Petrified" does not equal "dead", Filch, in case you haven't noticed.

Filch _stops dead in tracks; stares at Dumbledore_: It _isn't_? Really?

_Later:_

Random onlookers: Ok, so...Ms. Norris, Colin Creevey, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Penelope Clearwater, Nearly Headless Nick, and Hermione have been Petrified. Not necessarily in that order. Ginny has been taken into the Chamber. Harry and Ron know where the opening is.

Ron: Lockhart, you first. _pushes Lockhart down opening_ Harry, you're next.

Harry: _sniffs_ But it's _dark_ down there.

Ron: Too bad.

Harry: _sniffs_ Ok.

Lockhart: I'm going to destroy your memories! _charm backfires_ Who am I?

Ron: I'll stay here; you go.

Harry: Ok.

_Later_:

Riddle: Harry!

Harry: Riddle!

Ginny: Harry!

Harry: Ginny!

Riddle: Ginny!

Ginny: Riddle!

Random onlookers: Now that we've exhausted all possible combinations...Oh, and Ginny, aren't you supposed to be unconscious?

Ginny: Oh, right. _faints on floor_

Harry: _sniffs_ Is she dead?

Riddle: No, idiot! She's _unconscious_! There's a difference!

Harry: Right...

Riddle _(in Parseltongue_): Speak to me, Slytherin, greatest of the Hogwarts Four.

Basilisk: I WILL KILL YOU!

Harry: _sniffs_ Really?

Basilisk: Hmm...you've been doing a lot of sniffing, haven't you? That's what, your seventh time this chapter?

Harry: Eighth.

Basilisk: Oops. Anyway, d'you want a tissue?

Riddle: IDIOT BASILISK! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE KILLING HIM, NOT GIVING HIM TISSUES!

Basilisk: Oh, right. I knew I was missing something.

Riddle: I'll say.

_Riddle tells Harry he's really Voldemort; Basilisk tries to kill Harry but fails, thanks to Fawkes and the Sorting Hat; Harry destroys Riddle + diary-that-I-never-mentioned-here-but-I-am-now-so-everything's-all-right-with-the-world_;_ Ginny is revived; etc._

**The End**

Except for one or two unimportant pages/chapters.


	3. Book Three

**Ok, this took forever. I'm sorry. School started, I have a ton of homework, what else can I say? Read it, review it, etc.**

**Disclaimer: I'm morally opposed to disclaimers at the moment. Yes, I understand that I'm setting myself up for plagiarism. My sincere apologies to JK Rowling. (That was coming awfully close to a disclaimer, wasn't it? Oops.)**

**Book Three, or Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban**

Harry: Look! A letter!

Hogsmeade form: You need to get your uncle to sign me.

Harry: Ok!-_Later_- Uncle Vernon, can you sign my form? It's for school, but I'm not going to actually mention that because it'll make you mad.

Vernon: Not unless you behave while Marge is here. And by the way, you go to St. Brutus' now.

Harry: Um...okay...

Marge: I say nasty things about Harry and his parents.

Vernon: I glare at Harry behind Marge's back.

Harry: I behave.

TV: Oh, and by the way, there's a killer on the loose. Name's Sirius Black and he's extremely dangerous.

Random onlookers: Did you ever meet a killer that _wasn't_ extremely dangerous?

Marge: I say more nasty things.

Harry: I get angry.

Wine glass: I explode.

Marge: Oh, don't worry about that...wine glasses explode in my hand all the time...nothing to worry about...et cetera.

Dursleys: Okay.

Marge: I say more nasty things.

Harry: Grr...

Marge: Do you know, I've always wanted to be a balloon, and it seems to be coming true! How funny! Look at that, I'm almost perfectly round. How interesting! Well, now I've reached the sky. Okay, I think I'll come down now...or not...now would be a good time...hey! Let me down! -_starts screaming_-

Dursleys: Grrr...

Harry: Oops.

_Later_

Harry: I run away and get on the Knight Bus, various unimportant things occur, and now I'm on the train to Hogwarts and I faint because of a dementor.

Dementor: I'm evil.

Lupin: -_waves wand_- You can go now. I need to feed these people chocolate.

Harry: I like chocolate!

_Later_:

Snape: I'm evil.

McGonagall: I'm strict.

Lupin: I'm kind.

Flitwick: I'm tiny.

Dumbledore: I'm wise.

Harry: I'm SPECIAL!

Random onlookers: This seems somewhat familiar...

Random mathematical onlookers: Wow, look! Dementor says "I'm evil" and Snape says "I'm evil". So if dementors are evil and Snape is evil, Snape is a dementor! It's the transitive property of equality!

Snape: HOW DID YOU FIGURE THAT OUT??

Rowling: Shh! You're not supposed to know that until Book 7! You'll ruin my plot points!

Random onlookers: Anyway, back to the subject...

Harry: Right. So many, many things of somewhat less than great importance occur, and everything carries on more or less as usual. Trelawney's weird but I'm not dead yet, Sirius Black is supposed to be trying to kill me but I'm still not dead yet, and Hagrid's creatures are exceedingly dangerous but I'm STILL not dead yet. I get an amazingly helpful map from Fred and George, and I spend a lot of time being invisible.

Hermione: Oh, come on, don't say dead "yet". That's foreshadowing.

Ron: What's wrong with a little foreshadowing once in a while? It adds to the quality of the writing.

Hermione: Are you insinuating that we're just written characters? FICTIONAL characters?

Ron: Yes, actually...

Hermione: I refuse to believe it.

Ron: Oh yeah?

Hermione: Yeah!

Harry: ENOUGH, thank you very much.

Ron: You're welcome.

Harry: glares at Ron As I was saying, can we please get back to the story?

Hermione: It's not a story...

Ron: Ignore her. I'm going to tell the story now, okay? So I'm in bed and Sirius Black comes in with a knife.

Harry: We stand in awe of your amazing storytelling ability.

Hermione: Look who's talking, Harry. It's not like you're much better. Anyway: we go into the Whomping Willow.

Whomping Willow: I just _happen_ to have a pathway to the Shrieking Shack.

Ron's leg: I'm broken by a big dog.

Big dog: I turn out to be an Animagus, Sirius Black.

Lupin: Scabbers is Peter Pettigrew.

Peter: Hi, everyone...looks around nervously

Harry: You killed my parents. Prepare to...not die...

Hermione: Lupin's a werewolf!

Lupin: Am too.

Hermione: Yes, that's what I said.

Lupin: Oh...good point...

Snape: I break into the Shrieking Shack...I will kill you all...

Harry, Ron, Hermione: We manage to curse Snape into unconsciousness with the Disarming Charm.

Everyone: After a long, long time spent talking, we go outside again.

Lupin: I transform and run into the forest.

Sirius: I transform and chase Lupin.

Peter: I transform and escape.

Dementors: We all converge on you people and then mysteriously run away.

Dumbledore: You may be able to save more than one innocent life tonight...

Time turns back three hours

Harry + Hermione: We save two innocent lives tonight...

Snape: I throw a tantrum in the hospital wing.

Fudge: I call him deranged.

Snape: I AM NOT DERANGED!!

Fudge: You sort of just proved my point...anyway, I'm all embarrassed and I take the dementors away and go home.

Hogwarts students: We go home too.

Pigwidgeon: I have the potential to be seriously annoying...but at least I'm not a mass murderer in disguise.

**The End (more or less)**


End file.
